Depths of Despair

For the body and mind to reach a point within which they can hold themselves in a position of great distress, with full awareness and acceptance falls from an intense practice of years, a path that does not need to be walked and lined with lessons, that are lined with dangers as consequence. 

To push the body, to push the mind, creates a depth that is both rich and dark. 

And beautiful - for touching the depth of what we as humans only typically face emotionally in only the most horrifying nightmares has a sick beauty to it. A certain taste of rawness that can be seen as truth. And it has given me an empathy that I cherish. For myself and for all those I see who also feel somewhere in the depths of despair.

Ropework: Gestalta, Photography: Paul Henschel

Ropework: Gestalta, Photography: Paul Henschel

Arrow's theorem and why polarization of views leads to dictatorship

Mathematics is not known to be everybody's favorite subject. For myself, it really took me some time and a couple of unintentional moments to convince me that mathematics is actually a subject I love. Some of you know that I am a mathematician by trade, and for those of you who didn't, well, you do now! And even though I am no longer a researcher, I can't help but look at the world through the lens of this deep and dense language I have spent so much of my life becoming fluent in.

You see, mathematics is a language for understanding the world around us. Like all other languages, it is not perfect. It does not provide the truth as black and white, as many have grown up to believe. Really, math gives us a way to describe, discuss, and evaluate subjects in life where our intuition might not be enough to really understand what is happening. That all being said, of course mathematics is not a language that provides us with value statements. Rather, it is a language that provides us with logical frameworks needed to hold complex arguments and thoughts so that we can then, if we wish, place value.

With that, there is a result in mathematics that I think about very often in my daily life, especially when scrolling through social media: Arrow's Theorem.

A theorem in mathematics is a statement that is proven to be true... or in other words, there is a very solid argument based on the foundations of mathematical logic for why the statement is true. Arrow's theorem says the following:

Take any society that makes decisions based on a voting system in which you rank your preferences from most favored to least, with ties allowed. So say you can choose between candidates A, B, or C and you submit your vote by ranking them from best to worse, with ties allowed. So then a vote could be A>B=C (A is preferred first and B and C are tied for second), or B>C>A (B is preferred first, C second, and A third), for instance.

This voting system respects "transitivity" (if A>B and B>C, then we must have A>C) - this is like saying that there is a clear order in the ranking. This voting system also respects "independence of irrelevant alternatives" (Say A>B. Then it does not matter how A or B related to C.... it does not change the fact that A>B no matter where C is placed in the ranking). And this voting system respects "unanimity" (if every person in the society votes A>B then the society as a whole votes that A>B - it's a unanimous decision).

A society with such a voting system is a dictatorship.
That is Arrow's Theorem.

Let that sink in.

And how is this bold statement a true one? Well, I will do my best to make the argument for you in a way that is accessible. That being said, mathematics is the densest language I know of... and it takes time to digest each sentence. You might want to take a long time with each sentence even, to think about it, draw pictures, make up examples, until you feel that you understand it and agree. And if you don't agree, then talk to somebody about it, even try to prove it wrong! But don't read the next sentence until you are satisfied. It is work, but it is worth it.

Before I go into the proof, or argument on how you can always get a dictatorship with such a voting system, I want to tell you an important observation I have gathered from understanding this result: in reading the proof of Arrow's theorem, you see that the way you get a dictatorship is by polarizing views of the population. And that even more directly, all you need to do it is to polarize the population on one issue in order to form a dictator who can control the outcome of the final vote.

For me, this is the key take-away point of Arrow's Theorem: the more polarized we are in our views in a society the more control we lose as a society and the more vulnerable we are to the will of a dictator. We can see this pattern in our history and we can see it happening now. The more we seek to fight against each other rather than understand each other, the more we lose our freedom to truly have any say in how our society operates. The more freedom we actually give to the real tyrants lurking in the background, making the decisions while we fight with our neighbors. And this is why the value statement I conclude from my understanding of Arrow's theorem is that polarization of views leads to the destruction of democratic society and if we wish to work within a democratic framework then we must all seek love and understanding, rather than hate and defensiveness.

And now I will present an argument for why Arrow's theorem is true to the best of my ability in order to make it understandable for all. And if you do not find something I say understandable, please feel free to google "Arrow's theorem" and you will find a lot of different proofs and explanations. Mathematics is about understanding, and there are many ways to understand - do the work to find a way that works for you.

We will make the argument for why Arrow's theorem is true in four steps:

  1. First, let's show that if every voter puts alternative B either first or last in their ranking then society must also. To show that this is true, we will assume that the the opposite is true and show that we come to a contradiction, meaning that the opposite cannot be the case and so our original statement must be true. In mathematics, this is what we call a "proof by contradiction". So, lets assume that every voter puts B either first or last in their ranking, but society does not. Let's say the society vote ends up being A>B and B>C. By "independence of irrelevant alternatives", this should hold even if every individual moved C above A, since B occupies an extreme position in everybody's votes. In other words, everybody has a vote of either A>C>B, C>A>B, B>A>C, B>C>A, A=C>B, A>C=B, B=A>C, B>A=C, or B=A=C; so, even if somebody were to switch their preference of A and C, it would not change B's position as either first or last. So let's say that everybody changes their vote to have C>A, meaning that by "unanimity" that society must have C<A. We can make this assumption because it is a case that must be considered as a possibility that can hold true. But by "transitivity", we have that since society concludes that A>B and B>C, then A>C. A contradiction! So we must have that if every voter puts B as either first or last then B must end up either first or last in society's conclusive vote.

  2. Next, let's show that there exists a voter n who is extremely pivotal in the sense that by changing their vote at some profile they can move B from the bottom of the social ranking to the top. Whoa. That is quite powerful, let's discuss how this can happen. Let's say that every voter puts B at the bottom of their ranking. By "unanimity" we must have that society puts B at the bottom of the ranking. Let N be the total number of voters, and let's say we order the voters 1 through N and we let each voter one-by-one move B from the bottom of their rankings to the top of their rankings. Let n* be the first voter whose change causes the ranking of society to change (we know by "unanimity" that this must happen at the latest when n*=N, so it will eventually happen). Let profile I be the list of voters who have not yet moved B to the top of their rankings and let profile II be the list of voters who have moved B from the bottom of their ranking to the top. Now we have that every voter either has B at the top or at the bottom of their ranking, and that B is no longer at the bottom of the social ranking... well then we know from 1. that B must then have shifted to the top of society's vote! So, if society is completely polarized on issue B, then there exists an individual who can change the outcome of society's vote by simply changing their ranking of B from one extreme position to the other. Again, whoa.

  3. Next, let's show that n* is a dictator over any pair AC that does not involve issue B. OK, let's choose one issue, say A, from the pair AC. Let's construct a profile III from profile II by letting n* move A above B, so that n*'s ranking is A>B>C, and by letting all other voters that are not n* in profile II arbitrarily rearrange their relative rankings of A and C while leaving B in its extreme position. We do this to show that it is irrelevant how anybody else but n* ranks A and C. This would put A>B as society's preference since profile I and n* together have A>B by "independence of irrelevant alternatives". We would also have B>C since profile II and n* together has B at the top. If society concludes that A>B and B>C, then by "transitivity" we would have A>C. And so we would have that the social ranking over AC must agree with n*'s ranking by "independence of irrelevant alternatives".

  4. Finally, let's show that n* is also a dictator over every pair AB. This is the final generalization which should that we have our dictator. Full stop. Let's take any two issues A and B. Then we know from 2. that we can find a third alternative C to put at the bottom of the ranking. We then know from 3. that we can find a voter, call them M, who is a dictator for any pair that does not involve C. We also know from 2. that we can construct an n* that can affect society's AB ranking through the construction we used to prove 2. and so we must then have that M=n* - the dictator is the n* that we find in 2. by ordering the voters one by one and who is the first one to cause society's vote to flip. And there you have it, our little dictator.

Now, now of course we need to recognize that there takes some setting up of this perfect storm in order to get a dictator. And that in this proof it is about forming a dictator for each specific issue at hand, and so on. So like everything in our world, even in mathematics, Arrow's theorem is not an absolute truth. But it does point out an incredibly important flaw to be recognized. And this flaw is for all rank voting systems that fill a couple common-sense principles that such voting systems usually follow. And the proof shows us that it can be exploited in two ways, really: the first way is to take an issue society is completely polarized on and there is a way to leverage the voters to change the favor of society... and second, if you have a particular ranking you would like to win, like A>B, then all you need to do is pick a sure-fire issue, say C, that will completely polarize the population and then there is a way you can leverage the voters so that A>B. It's like presenting the population with such an extreme choice that suddenly the original issues at stake are no longer as dramatically polarizing and can be swayed in the dictator's favor. At this point, I hope everybody's eyes are wide open and stomachs are a little bit uncomfortable. Because this kind of game has been going on for years, generations. Why is it that every time in history when a population's views become highly polarized that dictatorships arise? I am not saying that Arrow's theorem is the absolute proof, but I think it lays the foundation of an interesting discussion, no?

And, well, what can we do? I don't know really. But I certainly would say that falling way to polarizing views on any "side" is probably not very productive. Those of you who know me know that I personally am a fairly radical person. But I do not want to speak in terms of "us" vs. "them". I do not think that setting myself opposed to an opposite is productive. Polarization will only lead to further oppression. And it's really a role of the die as to which side of the coin will be the oppressor... and if history has told me anything, it won't be those I personally identify with who will come out on top. And so, selfishly even, I do my best to seek understanding rather than opposition. I know it is easier said than done, trust me I know, but I do think that the best we can all do is to listen and understand each other and the needs of all life on this planet we live on. And to not be swayed in our views, but to stick by them, respectfully, and with grace, while at the same time being open to other perspectives and the possibility of compromise and change. As I said, easier said than done, but certainly better to strive for than reliving the destructive spiral of polarization over and over again.

Let Us Not Forget

Rope, at its core, is an expression of desire. 

I want you to take my freedom, to consume me. To feel you enjoying my suffering, my sadness, my lust. I want you to take all that I have and all that I am, and to play with it as you like, and I submit to this because I desire what we create together.

I want to be seen, to be loved, to spend some time wrapped so deeply in your presence; the movements we make form a dance so synchronous I feel as if we are one.

I want to explore whatever it is that attracts us - and what is sexuality but the fuel that drives our creativity?

Let us not forget this.

Photography: Andy Buru, Ropework: Andy Buru

Photography: Andy Buru, Ropework: Andy Buru

I Straighten My Spine

I straighten my spine,
noticing suddenly how much I have given in to the weight of gravity.

Photography: Nicolas Yoroï, Ropework: Nicolas Yoroï

Photography: Nicolas Yoroï, Ropework: Nicolas Yoroï

On “Better” Bottoming

There seems to be a lot of conversations buzzing around on how to be a “better” bottom. I guess these conversations have always been around, but I get the feeling at the moment that it is a serious question a lot of people are asking themselves, particularly those who are fairly new to ropes and the rope scene. With that, I thought I would share some thoughts on this subject.

Let’s start with a story: I have been doing rope, or shibari, or whatever you would like to call it since 2014. So as far as I am concerned, not such a long time... but I have been playing classical flute for 22 years and consider myself an intermediate player, so it’s all relative to the discipline and the practice, I suppose, and the rope scene seems to be a fast paced, fast changing one. So with all that, I realize that perhaps I have been bottoming for a fairly long time in rope years. As well, I have tied with a lot of people who collectively paint a very diverse picture of rope bondage. I am lucky enough to have tied with so many people because I lived in Berlin when Schwelle7 existed and I was lucky enough to be part of that community, where every six months there were only a mere 60ish of us rope perverts gathering in a room together for a week to collaborate, socialize, and play with each other.... with emphasis on the play. In this space, before rope bondage could be considered a viable career option, people really met each other. The same group (more or less) would really meet every six months to be in a room together for a week. And as you might imagine, a tangled and beautiful web of relationships and dynamics formed between these 60ish people from this intense time spent together. Many of these 60ish people have become my closest friends, lovers, partners, and rope family.

In this Berlin studio, I was guided by my attraction. At first, I observed the way others moved and interacted with the space and those inside of it. How they expressed their own desires in rope and how that made me feel. And as the week slowly slowly passed, my observations would turn into interactions, conversations, and if some kind of attraction and interest was felt, then the question, “would you like to tie with me?”. The reasons would vary: sexual desire,  a well-synchronized dance, a deep conversation, an unexpected moment together in a workshop. But there would always be a culmination of moments together that would lead to the feeling of “I am interested in being intimate with you”, “I am interested in spending time with you”, “I am interested in getting to know you better through this intense practice we share together”. I always felt like tying once with somebody was, like, the equivalent of spending several months together. Every rope is an investment in my relationship with that person. A relationship I want to explore and build, even if I do not know what form it will take: a friendship, a romance, a partnership. If I ask you to tie, what I am really saying is that I am interested in getting to know what is there between us. This is the intention of my tying and what has been my primary compass when it comes to bottoming.

With that story, I would like to break down some guidelines I follow that I recommend to others in order to be a “better” bottom:

  1. Tie with people you have observed tying in person. As I have hopefully made clear in my story, tying for me is about my relationship to another person, and in particular, my attraction to that person. Attraction in relation to rope is often sexual for me, or relating to my sexuality, but it could also take many other forms as well, like the attraction that brings two friends together... but how can I possibly feel another person and get an impression of my attraction, if it exists at all, if I do not meet them in person? Let alone, if I am interested in giving my freedom to them!? One of the most intimate and deeply trusting things you could ever do? I know I want to really observe and feel into a person before I decide if there is something there between us I want to explore with them, and if I can feel that the trust is there between us (or lust, in the least). As well, on the technical side of things, it is good to observe how a person ties to see if you feel you can trust their tying (like, you can see that they can make proper lock offs... everybody doing rope bondage in my opinion should know what a proper lock off looks like... after all, it is your neck that will break if a rope is not secured properly... everybody needs to take responsibility for that reality) and to get an impression of how they like to tie, play, and interact in rope. Somebody could be the best rigger in the world, but that does not necessarily mean that you will get along in or out of ropes, and that you have the same intention and desires when tying.

  2. Remember that bondage is intimate. Everybody I tie with is somebody I want to be intimate with. I am literally giving my freedom over to the other person and going into a dynamic where, ultimately, they have the control (because at the end of the day my hands are tied, not their’s). Once I am tied up, if I feel I have any control over the situation it is really because the person tying me up is allowing me to have that control. And, of course, when we are playing consensually, this give and take is there and ultimately forming the complex dynamic between the two people tying. But still, when I am allowing somebody to tie me, I am saying that I trust you with my freedom. And with that, we are ultimately playing with power. And then what I am saying is that I trust you to have power over me, physically and emotionally. The definition of intimate is “private and personal” and what is more private and personal than ones freedom of movement, balance, breath, and emotional state of being? If I am not certain I would like to be intimate with another person, then I do not tie with them. Because I won’t be able to tie with them. Even if the ropes go on, I will not be able to trust, and if I can’t trust, then I cannot relax my body and I cannot emotionally feel safe. And, in my experience, the session will not last very long and it will not leave a very good feeling inside of me or my partner.

  3. Understand your intention for wanting to tie with somebody. There is no right or wrong intention. I have tied with another for every intention under the sun - as long as my intention is clear, then I can approach somebody with a good understanding of myself and my desire in relation to them. Perhaps my intention is simply that I want to see what will happen, or that the person is really sexy, or that I liked how it felt when we hugged. Or I want to practice or experience something they also want to practice or know how to do really well. Or that we seem to have a good creative flow together. Whatever it is, when I understand my own intention, I also understand my motivation, and I can express it to the other person so that we can determine if our intentions align, and we can go into the session with some clarity as to what we are doing, even if what we are doing is “seeing what happens”.

  4. Only tie if you really feel like tying. Sometimes my mind says, “but you love rope”, “but you really want to tie with that person”, “but you haven’t done rope in so long, now is the chance”, etc. but my body says “NO”. In my experience, whenever I have not listened to that “no” from my body, no matter how much my mind says “yes”, I have had to end the session quickly or was not even able to start the session in the first place. The same goes when it’s the other way around (the body says “yes”, but the mind says “no”). When my body and mind are not aligned with each other and there is a part of me that just cannot manage doing rope, then I just don’t do it. And when I don’t listen to my own advice I quickly remember why I make this a rule. Tying is mentally and physically intense and requires my full presence to manage the intensity. If I cannot give that for whatever reason, if there is a “no” inside of me for whatever reason (the “no” could also have to do with the person or the situation I am in), then the rope session is a no... even if it is hard for me to say that no. Because when I am in that intense situation, that no inside of me is there, screaming, and causing my body to tense up and my mind to panic and I just can’t stay in the ropes for very long to have an exchange. Instead, I am fighting my “no”, likely failing, and the session instead becomes about my struggle with my “no” rather than my relationship with the person I am tying with. And that is just not very fun for anybody.

  5. Stay present with your body and the experience you are having. This is a big one and a complicated one, because of course it is easier said than done. It takes time to get to know your body, how it moves, what feels good, and what doesn’t... and to cope with the fact that your body and its reactions are changing constantly, so when you think you understand, you don’t again! This is why presence is so important. Learning to feel how you feel NOW. Not how you have felt before or how you would like to feel - this only builds expectations that will inevitably fail with time. Learning to stay present has helped me in particular with pain management; if I can be in the pain I am presently feeling and not in the comparison of how I was in the past (“ah it wasn’t painful before”) or how I could be in the future (“if only this happened then the pain would go away”), then I have found that I simply do not feel the pain - I simply am in one moment that is fleeting to another. As well when I am present with myself in the experience I am having, and I really allow myself to feel whatever comes up in that presence, then I am able to have more genuine reactions which help to provide valuable information to me and my partner about what is going on in the session and what direction to take next.

Please notice that none of these five points have anything to do with flexibility, physical training, practicing, or tying with people who are popular on instagram. At the end of the day, rope bondage is about you having an intimate experience with another person that is mutually desired. Of course, taking care of your body and it’s fitness is an important thing to do for yourself, but that has nothing necessarily to do with being “good” at rope bottoming because there are as many ways of being a good rope bottom as there are people in this world: be present with yourself. Be responsible for your experience. And do what feels right in the moment for yourself. I have found that if I only tie with people I have at least seen tie, who I am attracted to for whatever reason (sexual or not), who I trust, and feel that I want to tie with, and I feel that I am able to tie with them when the time comes, and am able to be present in our tying experience together, then I am able to be the best bottom I can be, allowing myself to have the experiences I truly want to have with the people I want to have them with. And that is what life is all about.

P.S. Switch every reference to being tied with tying, and every reference of somebody tying to somebody being tied, and this article could be called “Better” Topping.

Freedom

Freedom is the ability to choose your dependencies.

Photography: Zor Neurobashing, Modelling: Pilar, RIja Mae, Saara Rei

Photography: Zor Neurobashing, Modelling: Pilar, RIja Mae, Saara Rei